June 19, 2014

BE SURE TO WEAR FLOWERS IN YOUR HAIR


hi, hello! long time no talk. i had visitors in town a few weeks back and got to play tourist in my own city. which, i've concluded, is a thing that shouldn't be overlooked as a worthwhile event even without visitors. knowing popular points of interest is useful because you never know when you'll need to dole out directions to the embarcadero or the best place to eat a crab as big as yer head. and when you do have to dispense that information, you can be all puffy-chested for the rest of the day because you know what's up and generally improved the experience of someone visiting your city. people helping people. 

let's look at the pictures. 

the weather was really cranking out its best moody bay charm. also, sea lions stink. 

crab as big as your head at pier 23. boom. 

i got honked at for standing in the middle of the street to take this picture (and the woman honking got the finger.)

i have no pictures of the bridge because i dropped the ball, is what happened there.

we ate at piqueo's in bernal heights, and now all i want is to listen to the waiter's syrupy accents and eat their peruvian food, the end. 

hayes valley being cute.

coit tower/view from coit tower. 

we went wine tasting in sonoma valley and kline's was the first stop. a man named bill served our group and said the sign about mud sharks (which are made up: the more you know) had to be added after a bachlorette party decided this fountain was a swimming pool. i sort of want to high five the members of that bachelorette party. 

there were donkeys. i don't know.

blurry shot of wine glasses and i wasn't even drinking. 

sing us out, scotty. 

May 22, 2014

AN OPEN LETTER TO A PHOTO THIEF

dear photo thief:
a few days ago you stole one of my pictures on instagram. stole, meaning you took my photo and posted it to your account without asking me if it was okay to do so. after a few attempts asking you to remove it--i left two comments asking you to remove my work from your poser account and you deleted both comment--i took a screenshot of your account and posted it to mine, explaining what had happened and asking my followers to report you.


you're not the first person to do this to me, photo thief. so don't think you're special here (or even remotely artistic). you're a leech.

in the past, i've let this sort of blatant disregard for my copyrighted property go so long as the person stealing my work has credited it back to me (which i cannot underscore enough: that is still stealing). others who haven't credited me have removed it after i've asked them to and i've blocked their accounts from mine. i've never been impressed with instagram's handling of copyright issues; it's created this sort of vigilante atmosphere where you feel embolden to take work that doesn't belong to you and that leaves me to my own defenses to get it removed within the app. instagram's approach--as you know or you wouldn't be so stupid to take things that don't belong to you--is to adhere to the cultural tide that has made crediting work back to its original source synonyms with consent. crediting work back to the original owner is not an admission of consent on the part of the owner. IT'S FUCKING STEALING (and has criminal penalties, fyi).

i shouldn't have to contact instagram and begin a long, ceremonial process full of forms and direct emails with their legal department every single time someone as awful as you decides to take out your special sack of awfulness and spills its contents all over everyone else. instagram should have a more robust response to keep amateur dolts like you from doing this sort of stuff in the first place. but that's an entirely different discussion. right now, we're focusing on you and your complete and utter inability to contribute anything of meaning to society.

after i posted the screenshot of your scam account i got three different, expected, responses to it.

the first and most appreciated, was a response of support. this sort of garbage happens all the time on instagram and it's refreshing to hear from people that also find you to be a talentless hack.

the second is from the token troll misogynist whose comment effectively amounts to, "sit down and shut up." so, you know, fuck that useless piece of shit and all that. i'm telling you this because i want you to know that i was harassed online by a misogynist asshole because of your actions.

the third, and most insidious, is from people that actually defend you. their tactic is to gaslight me out of my response by telling me you're probably young/mean well/unaware of copyright laws. they have the audacity to tell me i'm overreacting when i publicly proclaim that my property was stolen. they have the audacity to suggest that because you've credited me that i no longer have the right to decide who uses my property and when. they efficiently say, "she's young and dumb. don't be so mean to her." my contempt for these responses are unmeasurable and the people that make them are quite clearly as clueless and mendacious as you. but they're also the most damaging sort of commenter. they're the most damaging because their defense of someone as unoriginal as you creates a sort of immunity for you to continue living in the chasm of ineptitude you so spectacularly inhabit.

in short: go find some talent of your own and maybe read a book about copyright law. you've got a steep climb out of that hole you live in.

sincerely,
kelly

May 5, 2014

INSTAGRAM FAVORITES FROM APRIL


my favorite instagram shots from april, comin' right up! i only took 11 photos in april, what? i don't know how that happened or why.

consider me putting my photo game face on for may.


ps: let's be friends on instagram.

May 1, 2014

WISCONSIN…YOU'VE SAID IT ALL


last weekend, i traveled to wisconsin to see my family and attend the uw-madison marching band concert that we've been going to for twenty-some years. one of the very first hurdles anyone interested in dating me needs to clear is demonstrating an acceptance and enthusiasm for this concert. i don't want to say i would come right out and say something like, "so, my family goes to this concert every year and if you want to date me you have to go and you have to like it." but i don't want to say that i wouldn't do that either.



the concert was saturday and tradition dictates that my family meanders around state street in the middle of the afternoon for dinner and general pre-concert jubilee. my brother, his girlfriend (hi mike and laura!) and i decided to "grab a drink" at state street brats before meeting up with everyone already with my paternal grandma's brother and his extended family (our blood runs deep, is how that is).


i have no idea who this photobomber is or what he's doing.

state street brats is a two story sports bar with all the trimmings of a wisconsin bar: the scent of cheap beer hangs heavy in the air, oversized oak booths line the parameter and crooked tchotchkes speckle the walls. oh, and also booze and brats and a full sized cow statue outside because, duh it's wisconsin. there's just this very warm and steady feeling that comes over me every time i cross the threshold; as if it were to say, "hello, kelly. welcome, i'm so glad you're here. LET'S GET DRUNK."

which is exactly where my train was headed.

(to qualify: to me, "grab a drink" means drinking one drink; i didn't go to madison like the other hooligans i was with, but i learned that term is pretty loose in relation to quantity.)

i ordered the first round from a rosy-cheeked german brick of a bartender that immediately apologized for my total because, "tequila is expensive so we have to charge a lot." i had forgotten that a total for drinks around $30 (whole, full drinks! $30!) is considered expensive there because in california i'm used to taking out a loan to pay a tab. i nearly pinched his rosy cheeks in glee. after that, more tequila just sort of appeared in front of me? i don't really know the logistics, but i took it down to the end zone is what happened.

i wouldn't say i got drunk, but my face was all zingy, and at dinner i was three heaping mouthfuls into erik's nachos before i realized there was ground beef on them (10 year - nearly - vegan, right here). i couldn't distinguish the taste of COW MEAT in my mouth and had to ask the table to verify it, so feel free to draw the appropriate conclusions. (i'm not even going to touch what happened on the side of the road on the way back from the concert, but my dad can stop a car on a dime when a non-madison alum drinker says she needs to pull over, is the gist.)


the band impresses me every year no matter what, but in recent years i've come to determine whether or not it was a successful concert with one simple piece of criteria: tom wopat.

i don't know why the band director seems particularly fond of tom wopat, but every single year luke duke makes a cameo. every year! my opinion of him nearly softened when he did a rendition of don mclean's "american pie" and everyone turned on their phone flashlight apps and swayed them in the air, but then he kept popping up. i think a total of six time? that's the same number of shots in all of my drinks and although i spared you the imagery - that was five shots too many.

either way...ON WISCONSIN!

ps:

video
sections of the band walk around playing on state street before the concert. 

video
the band enters in their traditional high step. because they're hardcore bamfs. 

video
you really have...

April 16, 2014

EIGHT YEARS


in a lot of ways it may seem like i saved lola from a harsh, short life as an outdoor cat in rural minnesota  when i picked her up from the farm where she was born. after eight sweet years, i'm certain i was the one saved that day.

happy eighth birthday, sweet sassypants.

April 14, 2014

I MADE A THING OUT OF STUFF

lisa hackworth of hackworth design house makes wall hangings she calls, "tasseltries." when i saw them on instragram for the first time i fell in love deeply and with great enthusiasm. by the time i finally made myself go to her website to buy one, they were sold out. so, i did the next best thing and made one myself. because i am a problem solver, is why.

here's what i used and how i did it:
i bought one yard of linen fabric, a 1/4 inch dowel and two packs of .5mm bead cord (i wouldn't recommend this stuff.)

+ cut dowel to 24''
+ fold the fabric in half horizontally and cut 1'' pieces (approximately 13 of strips)
+ take two pieces, fold in half and cut to create four; set one piece aside
+ gather remaining three so they are roughly equal in length and tie bead cord approx. 1'' from the top
+ take fourth strip and tie around the neck, concealing the bead cord
+ start from the left and tie tassel onto dowel approx. four inches down
+ repeat steps two through five, moving each tassel down by an inch or so until you've reached the middle of the dowel
+ continue adding tassels but move them one inch in the opposite direction to create "v" shape

the cliffs notes version: make a bunch of tassels and tie them to a dowel in a "v" shape; wing it, mostly.


i attached each tassel to the dowel by wrapping the end of the bead cord around one time and securing it on the back side with a little hot glue. i wouldn't use bead cord again because the stretch of it made it difficult to create really secure knots (i added a little hot glue to the backs of each tassel to keep each knot in place.) i would use fishing line or sew directly through the tops of each tassel like lisa's.

ta-da! diy-ing! it's pretty rad.

April 7, 2014

BAKING WITH KELLY: 20 SIMPLE STEPS


1. decide you're going to make blackberry and meyer lemon cheesecake bars to take to class in a moment of regressive gender essentialism/pure insanity.

2. go to whole foods and buy $79 worth of ingredients because a.) the cobwebs in your pantry just sort of moan and roll their eyes at you when you go looking for actual food in there and, b.) emotional manipulation in educational institutions isn't as effective if it isn't organic.

3. drive home feeling smug about the baking endeavors about to commence; believe for a fleeting moment that you might find some small pleasure in it.

4. open recipe bookmarked on your computer and begin with the first step, the crust: graham crackers, butter and sugar.

5. sail through the process of crumbling graham crackers into vitamix; take a few calming breathes after nearly choking the vitamix motor with cookie particles. question if a vitamix is a poor substitute for the food processor suggested in the recipe.

6. ponder the reason melting butter in a small stainless sauce pan feels so "chefy."

7. mix all three crust ingredients together, smash them into a buttered glass pan and feel wholly self-congratulatory for making crust from scratch. 

8. begin blackberry puree by adding blackberries, sugar and water into another small sauce pan and decide it too feels "chefy." realize the mere act of being in the kitchen doing anything that is at all like preparing food is probably the real reason you feel that way.

9. pull graham cracker crust from the oven at just the right degree of golden brownness. again, feel enormously self-congratulatory.

10. let blackberry puree come to a boil, strain and decide it seems too thin but forge ahead anyway. reassure yourself the cloud of doom slowly circling around you is natural and it will probably be fine in the end.

11. read the rest of the recipe and note you do not have a square pan or a large baking pan in which to bake the cheesecake after you've added the  puree and "swirled" it into fancy, baker-like patterns.

12. feel complete befuddlement that cheesecake needs two pans to bake. wtf, cheesecake.

13. stare into space for a second and ask yourself what any contestant on top chef would do in this situation.

14. realize you do not have a fraction of the experience or knowledge any contestant on top chef has (even the contestants that go home after the first episode of a season).

15. say, "eff it" and continue despite being down necessary accessories because you're a scrappy, improvisational sort of person anyway. ask your cat what the proper definition for a pan is because 'accessory' seems wrong.

16. conclude your cat also lacks the experience of top chef contestants.

17. add cream cheese to vitamix to begin cheesecake batter; nearly choke the motor a second time. conclude with unflinching certainty that a vitamix is not a substitute for a food processor, hand mixer or a stand mixer.

18. turn vitamix off and eyeball its contents with enough hot rage it nearly implodes and vanishes instantly into an alternate universe.

19. take $11 worth of organic cream cheese and chisel it off the sides of your vitamix with scalding water so that it begins to smell like fermented toe jam and speckles your sink with hot chunky globs.

20. drive self-loathingly to the grocery a few blocks from your apartment and buy cookies from the bakery because it's what you should have done all along.

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